This morning, the OL from CU called me.
She questioned about my absence yesterday since I did not attend the mid-term exam.
Once I heard her voice bumping into my eardrum, I felt I have reached a point of no return.
Like I’m on the No Man’s Land, you can’t back down anymore and you can only forge ahead.
Yet, to my own cowardice, I could not maintain the conversation any longer.
I was not even completely figured out myself, so I handed the phone to my mother.
These days of skipping school does relieve my burdened soul quite a bit as I went night hiking and did other stuffs to explore myself, yet I know there’s no exception to the rule that everything comes at a cost.
My brother is going to see the high school principle in the Australian school he’s going to attend in April.
If he did see the principle, it means that my mum has no choice but must send him to Australia.
Yet, at the same time, my mum needs to handle the vexing business of my grandparents and me.
How can I not be a burden and be myself at the same time?
Maybe that’s why people say you need to conform because there’s no way out.
But I strongly believe and convince myself that you are the one to make your way out.
If others don’t give you options, you open opportunities for yourself.
I actually predict myself in a few years time, my friends may find me and ask how I will be doing.
They will be talking about how on track and successful they are, while I will still be struggling at that point, may not even have a clear direction ahead because my life seems messed up unlike the others who have led their carefully structured and planned future.
It all seems I am giving up something others want desperately just because I am irrational and impulsive and immature.
Now I realize I do not need to care about how others see me, I only need to know what I am doing.
It’s alright my mum takes my card away time to time, because money does not matter to me.
It’s alright the school speculates I’m a notorious student who evades responsibility of studying, because studying at school does not contribute to my personal growth.
It’s alright my brother hates me for not being a responsible daughter and sister that takes good care of the household and other affairs, because I admit I am not measuring up to the filial piety, I feel that only through myself shining I can tell others proudly it’s due to my supporting family.
It’s alright my friends distance away from me, because if I cannot handle loneliness, I cannot be brave alone.
It’s alright my life is not the life others are living normally, because I am proud to be born the misfits, the outcast, the bookworm, the mysterious, forlorn one.
Only through that could I get a taste of another world’s perspective.
I think one’s maturity is determine by whether one can step into other’s shoe and understand why others do things in their own way that you may think unacceptable.
So, as I see through this, I delve into the mind of my mum and understand she is trying to be a hidden hero.
Digging out the truth to find solutions to other’s problems, yet other’s may think she is intruding or doesn’t need her help.
Yet it’s true she offers a unique perspective into problem solving because how deep an investigation she has conducted.
Only that she overestimates her ability to handle everyone’s problems while neglecting her own feelings and problems.
So, when she is overloaded and others do not understand what she is doing, she vents verbally and volcanoes erupt.
Communication is key to understanding I would say.
Yet sometimes people avoid communication because they do not think they need others’ opinions, myself included.
Yet, yesterday my mum said something very beneficial.
She said if you want to improve, you should not be afraid to share everything you have known to others.
Like many designers, they are afraid of others copying their ideas, so they shut themselves up and keep doing the same thing again and again without breakthrough.
Yet I would say my mum did this practice half way justice, because she would not disclose her demerits and flaws to others to secure her last fort.
For me, I’m open to everything. I’m honest to open up all that I’ve known and accept everything I am ignorant of. Just that I’m too timid to the process of opening up.
If only I could be braver.
I went to the park to stroll on the running track.
I tried not to bring anything with me today.
I need to change mentally.
A feeling of no burden.
I need a taste of it.
Of course I still need my phone for music.
I’m thinking about the issue of possession all morning.
I know I’m a person who’s ready to forsake everything to search for the meaning of existence.
Yet it’s all too vague and I need some ground to get in touch of.
Like when you are all mentally prepared, you cant execute because you lack the tools.
Everything is just in my head.
Another interesting thing I realize is Im listening to music everywhere I go.
While my eyes are connected with reality, my ears are imbued with my own philosophical realm.
Maybe that’s why I have such a dual personality.
Actions determine mind or mind determines action?
Gordon and me.
On the surface, he is rational and me sentimental.
But deep within, at least in my perspective, we differ in mind not feelings.
He rules through logic and is knowlege driven.
I rule through emotions and is experience driven.
So it turns out his behavior is regularly predicted and systematic, while mine is unpredictably spontaneous(like suspending school).
My mum is right about he is more mature than I do.
Yet it is on different dimension.
He is mature in the worldly sense, about how he suits into the world and survive through tactics and strategies to communicate with any person.
But mine is more inclined to self discovery and humanity.
His ultimate purpose is to make survival easier for himself.
My purpose of my maturity is to use what I’ve learned and experienced to connect with others.
Perhaps I’ve committed the self justification error again, maybe he’s not thinking this way.
Just rule out comparisons then.
But I know if we were together for longer, either he or I will change to be more similar to the other.
You know, when you are friends with others, you still keep a distance at heart so you can preserve your own individuality; but when you are with your lover, you can’t control your mimicks and assimilation because two strive to be one.
Again, paradoxically, after you two blend into one, your relationship falls short to habituation and soon turns sour and bitter.
So maybe that’s why I can never see the real him.
He keeps bits of himself from me.
Maybe I should too.
Because it is how humans function.
Humans change too often and you can’t never be secure with another unless you are secure with yourself.
How can you be the same you in an ever changing world?
The Taiwan bakery in Prince Edward closed down already as I walked past.
I had been so attached to it two years ago.
Everything changed, changes and will change.
What can you hold on to?
Not even yourself sometimes, cuz you change too.
Even the passage I am writing now may be lost 20 years later.
So why do we do what we do now knowing our existence may disappear and wipe off the another day?
Maybe it’s what we live for, a constant possession and lost feeling.
That’s why we crave to create things that mark our existence in this seemingly real world.
What if everything is unreal. .
Pretty much the last day of work before me taking off to London in Friday.
It’s a delightful day with lots of staff and me writing cards again(crossing out and rewritting and paste and place).
I saw familiar faces and we chatted.
I felt as if my heart was opened up.
We moved boxes of instant noodles upstairs and made fun of each other.
I laughed weirdly and they questioned why I laughed that way.
I dusted the floor too slowly and they helped to mop so we could get things done together.
It was definitely a moment of epiphany.
Working here shed a light on me that I’ve so much to learn and I can learn and will learn.
And they were willing to offer opportunities for me to make mistakes and try again.
I was happy that I could communicate with the staff even though I shut myself away a few times and everybody was so helpful with each other.
That’s what I’ve been aspiring.
I was no longer worrying others might not like me because I could be my true self.
I was blessed to have worked here for a month.
I found out that as long as I do find security and confidence, I won’t fluctuate anymore or escape or withdraw, I would persist.
I started to grow to like myself a bit more everyday, but the things around me even better.
When I was back home, I had a long chat with mum regarding mum helping my aunt(who insulted my mum and rejected my mum’s request when she most needed help) to investigate what caused her to paralyze.
Through talking through all these and listening intently, I understand my mum better and in a fuller dimension.
She takes risk for the benefit of the whole.
She would rather herself be the sinner and make everybody safe.
That’s why I advise her to stop over-protecting the people around her and take care of their burdens, instead she should try caring more about herself and be responsible of her own happiness.
Finally, me and my mum reach a stage of negotiation and compromise.
No arguments and we will talk everything out.
Before, we both got tense and made things worse.
Now, she allows me to take time off, so I can have my own space to allow unknown things to happen in my life; while I take in her view of the world that simple things like pets, nature shouldnt be overlooked since they are the building blocks to spiritual contentment.
I’m glad that I eventually cast away my own shield/shell and let others in.
I hope I could keep that up.