3/3/2016

I’ve been thinking lately.

After reading a few mesmerizing novels and short stories by some Eastern writers, reflecting on my own being and living, I found myself stuck in a mire where “I don’t see myself can write something like this”.

Well.

I would say, I have garnered some wisdom, but they are all other people’s ideas.

I would very much like to create some original ideas of my own.

Yet I do not know where to start with.

Even if I have some ideas in mind, they are all scattered.

I want something or someone which can tie everything together.

Maybe that thing is me.

I’ve been trying to write something all morning till afternoon.

Yet I have nothing come to mind and the feeling is absurd.

Then I garnered bits and pieces of storyline from wikipedia and books from the asylum, yet it is more like stealing ideas.

Then I deleted everything.

And before I left home, I bullshitted something about love.

Actually was a synopsis of my love lives.

My mum drove me to the atm to activate the overseas bank account and she exchanged 5000HKD to British Pounds for me hand carry.

She then went shopping for and with me, buying medics, shoes and other necessities for me.

She was really generous with her money on me.

I guess she wanted me to be happy and she would like to express that she was doing everything she could to make me happy.

We then had a 5 people dinner in a Chinese restaurant(like again?), we ordered light dishes and we chatted.

Maybe it was kind of the normal and simple life I was looking for at home.

(Despite some personality disputes, we could always talk things out)

2/3/2016

Today I woke up sluggish for a while.

Yet, after being hesitant should I go out in the afternoon or continue to stick in my room typing poems or drawing or sleeping, I fell asleep at 11am again.

Woke up at 12 lol.

Then I had an urge to dress up myself.

I put on stockings and black skinny jeans.

Added four layers of black long sleeved shirts on my upper torso and grabbed a black leather jacket.

My mum walked into my room and was delighted to see me not zombie like anymore(I always just put on shit and go out and others see me as messy looking and not yet awaken).

As I walked into the streets, I looked at people’s dressings and realized how one dresses up determines one’s confidence and projection of impression in other’s eyes.

I used to give excuses to myself of not dressing properly, like I’m afraid of being judged and I don’t want myself to stand out from the crowd.

I prefer being the wallflower.

But as I stepped out looking the way I shaped myself into, I felt I was being myself and I could hold my head up high.

There’s nothing to be afraid of walking a path others avoid to walk.

I want to let my character shines from now on.

I need not be the invisible.

The black leather jacket was hidden in my wardrobe for a long time because it was my mum’s.

It is as if through wearing this jacket, I become my mum.

I take the power and confidence from her.

Went to a cafe, sit for a while with a friend.

Accidentally let my friend saw the photo of me kissing my bf. Alright. That’s very embarrassing.

And we talked about each other’s problems and gave advice and we scrolled through life and trips.

Yep, basically a light afternoon of conversations with substance.

We went to a bookstore then and continued talking.

I found my friend very like-minded with me, yet I felt a mysterious feeling that my friend would betray me at some point since my secret was exposed.

Despite how resonant we were towards each other’s predilections and opinions, I couldn’t ease myself when my friend was around.

It was mixed emotions of ecstasy, joy, easiness, suspense, anxiety and distrust.

That’s why I couldn’t express freely and I hold back a lot.

I realized at this point that some people are destined to have feelings yet impossible to be together.

Went to watch danish girl in winsor.

Seems to catch cold from my friend.

Went to Starbucks and a guy called Alex recommended me to have chamomile blend.

He was so nice.

I wonder would Gordon feel the same too when I am miles away from him.

Danish girl was not a historically accurate account of lily Elbe’s life and it was not intense enough to bring me to tears.

But I did reflect.

Perhaps after you’ve found your real self, you would not want to return back to normal.

There’s a point of no return after you get the hold of loving your new self.

It goes the same with me now.

I’m forsaking my old life in search for self discovery.

I wouldn’t regret the turn I took now because I hadn’t more years to waste.

It is the peak of my life and I should let this match burn as bright as it can.

I need to dig out the sparks within me and let it all out.

Singing, dancing so much more I have to offer to this world.

If people do not appreciate me here, I can still be accepted somewhere.

There’s no dead end to anything.

1/3/2016

This morning, the OL from CU called me.

She questioned about my absence yesterday since I did not attend the mid-term exam.

Once I heard her voice bumping into my eardrum, I felt I have reached a point of no return.

Like I’m on the No Man’s Land, you can’t back down anymore and you can only forge ahead.

Yet, to my own cowardice, I could not maintain the conversation any longer.

I was not even completely figured out myself, so I handed the phone to my mother.

These days of skipping school does relieve my burdened soul quite a bit as I went night hiking and did other stuffs to explore myself, yet I know there’s no exception to the rule that everything comes at a cost.

My brother is going to see the high school principle in the Australian school he’s going to attend in April.

If he did see the principle, it means that my mum has no choice but must send him to Australia.

Yet, at the same time, my mum needs to handle the vexing business of my grandparents and me.

How can I not be a burden and be myself at the same time?

Maybe that’s why people say you need to conform because there’s no way out.

But I strongly believe and convince myself that you are the one to make your way out.

If others don’t give you options, you open opportunities for yourself.

I actually predict myself in a few years time, my friends may find me and ask how I will be doing.

They will be talking about how on track and successful they are, while I will still be struggling at that point, may not even have a clear direction ahead because my life seems messed up unlike the others who have led their carefully structured and planned future.

It all seems I am giving up something others want desperately just because I am irrational and impulsive and immature.

Now I realize I do not need to care about how others see me, I only need to know what I am doing.

It’s alright my mum takes my card away time to time, because money does not matter to me.

It’s alright the school speculates I’m a notorious student who evades responsibility of studying, because studying at school does not contribute to my personal growth.

It’s alright my brother hates me for not being a responsible daughter and sister that takes good care of the household and other affairs, because I admit I am not measuring up to the filial piety, I feel that only through myself shining I can tell others proudly it’s due to my supporting family.

It’s alright my friends distance away from me, because if I cannot handle loneliness, I cannot be brave alone.

It’s alright my life is not the life others are living normally, because I am proud to be born the misfits, the outcast, the bookworm, the mysterious, forlorn one.

Only through that could I get a taste of another world’s perspective.

I think one’s maturity is determine by whether one can step into other’s shoe and understand why others do things in their own way that you may think unacceptable.

So, as I see through this, I delve into the mind of my mum and understand she is trying to be a hidden hero.

Digging out the truth to find solutions to other’s problems, yet other’s may think she is intruding or doesn’t need her help.

Yet it’s true she offers a unique perspective into problem solving because how deep an investigation she has conducted.

Only that she overestimates her ability to handle everyone’s problems while neglecting her own feelings and problems.

So, when she is overloaded and others do not understand what she is doing, she vents verbally and volcanoes erupt.

Communication is key to understanding I would say.

Yet sometimes people avoid communication because they do not think they need others’ opinions, myself included.

Yet, yesterday my mum said something very beneficial.

She said if you want to improve, you should not be afraid to share everything you have known to others.

Like many designers, they are afraid of others copying their ideas, so they shut themselves up and keep doing the same thing again and again without breakthrough.

Yet I would say my mum did this practice half way justice, because she would not disclose her demerits and flaws to others to secure her last fort.

For me, I’m open to everything. I’m honest to open up all that I’ve known and accept everything I am ignorant of. Just that I’m too timid to the process of opening up.

If only I could be braver.

I went to the park to stroll on the running track.

I tried not to bring anything with me today.

No bag.

I need to change mentally.

A feeling of no burden.

I need a taste of it.

Of course I still need my phone for music.

I’m thinking about the issue of possession all morning.

I know I’m a person who’s ready to forsake everything to search for the meaning of existence.

Yet it’s all too vague and I need some ground to get in touch of.

Like when you are all mentally prepared, you cant execute because you lack the tools.

Everything is just in my head.

Another interesting thing I realize is Im listening to music everywhere I go.

While my eyes are connected with reality, my ears are imbued with my own philosophical realm.

Maybe that’s why I have such a dual personality.

Actions determine mind or mind determines action?

Gordon and me.

On the surface, he is rational and me sentimental.

But deep within, at least in my perspective, we differ in mind not feelings.

He rules through logic and is knowlege driven.

I rule through emotions and is experience driven.

So it turns out his behavior is regularly predicted and systematic, while mine is unpredictably spontaneous(like suspending school).

My mum is right about he is more mature than I do.

Yet it is on different dimension.

He is mature in the worldly sense, about how he suits into the world and survive through tactics and strategies to communicate with any person.

But mine is more inclined to self discovery and humanity.

His ultimate purpose is to make survival easier for himself.

My purpose of my maturity is to use what I’ve learned and experienced to connect with others.

Perhaps I’ve committed the self justification error again, maybe he’s not thinking this way.

Just rule out comparisons then.

But I know if we were together for longer, either he or I will change to be more similar to the other.

You know, when you are friends with others, you still keep a distance at heart so you can preserve your own individuality; but when you are with your lover, you can’t control your mimicks and assimilation because two strive to be one.

Again, paradoxically, after you two blend into one, your relationship falls short to habituation and soon turns sour and bitter.

So maybe that’s why I can never see the real him.

He keeps bits of himself from me.

Maybe I should too.

Because it is how humans function.

Humans change too often and you can’t never be secure with another unless you are secure with yourself.

How can you be the same you in an ever changing world?

The Taiwan bakery in Prince Edward closed down already as I walked past.

I had been so attached to it two years ago.

Everything changed, changes and will change.

What can you hold on to?

Not even yourself sometimes, cuz you change too.

Even the passage I am writing now may be lost 20 years later.

So why do we do what we do now knowing our existence may disappear and wipe off the another day?

Maybe it’s what we live for, a constant possession and lost feeling.

That’s why we crave to create things that mark our existence in this seemingly real world.

What if everything is unreal. .

Pretty much the last day of work before me taking off to London in Friday.

It’s a delightful day with lots of staff and me writing cards again(crossing out and rewritting and paste and place).

I saw familiar faces and we chatted.

I felt as if my heart was opened up.

We moved boxes of instant noodles upstairs and made fun of each other.

I laughed weirdly and they questioned why I laughed that way.

I dusted the floor too slowly and they helped to mop so we could get things done together.

It was definitely a moment of epiphany.

Working here shed a light on me that I’ve so much to learn and I can learn and will learn.

And they were willing to offer opportunities for me to make mistakes and try again.

I was happy that I could communicate with the staff even though I shut myself away a few times and everybody was so helpful with each other.

That’s what I’ve been aspiring.

I was no longer worrying others might not like me because I could be my true self.

I was blessed to have worked here for a month.

I found out that as long as I do find security and confidence, I won’t fluctuate anymore or escape or withdraw, I would persist.

I started to grow to like myself a bit more everyday, but the things around me even better.

When I was back home, I had a long chat with mum regarding mum helping my aunt(who insulted my mum and rejected my mum’s request when she most needed help) to investigate what caused her to paralyze.

Through talking through all these and listening intently, I understand my mum better and in a fuller dimension.

She takes risk for the benefit of the whole.

She would rather herself be the sinner and make everybody safe.

That’s why I advise her to stop over-protecting the people around her and take care of their burdens, instead she should try caring more about herself and be responsible of her own happiness.

Finally, me and my mum reach a stage of negotiation and compromise.

No arguments and we will talk everything out.

Before, we both got tense and made things worse.

Now, she allows me to take time off, so I can have my own space to allow unknown things to happen in my life; while I take in her view of the world that simple things like pets, nature shouldnt be overlooked since they are the building blocks to spiritual contentment.

I’m glad that I eventually cast away my own shield/shell and let others in.

I hope I could keep that up.

29/2/2016

It is the leap year day every 4 years.

I tidied up the room and packed and sorted things out.

Feeling more accomplished after that, since I rarely organize my own stuff myself.

Went to work then.

I was so hesitant whether I should go or not that I wavered for so long beside the entrance.

Yet, today they were so busy unpacking the new products that everything was messy and they had no time to care about me.

That’s exactly what I wanted.

So I kept writting cards and be a cashier.

Even though they said I had made a few mistakes and I had done less than I should, I feel I’m of use somehow.

So my confidence was gained a bit.

At the end of the day, I wish time passes quicker, so I can see him sooner.

28/2/2016

To Helen,

You need to read this.

Whatever age you are.

It’s the 28th of February, 2016.

It is a leap year.

It ain’t the last day of February yet.

Alright, I feel so surreal now under the scorching sun and plug in music.

Thinking about how my mum asks for $1000 from me this morning.

I feel I owe her because I use her money to go to London.

And it’s a large sum.

And me not giving money to her when necessary seems immoral and unethical.

I lack the ability to think anymore.

It seems I can never escape from her and this family.

I want to be Kafka in Kafka on the shore.

He’s really got the guts to runaway in the age of 15.

I have too many worries.

I need to discard everything to start again.

My studies, my future, my relationships need to be all rearranged.

I can’t stand anymore this repetitive pattern of moral dilemma.

It’s tearing me apart.

If runaway takes too much planning, you eventually set yourself back and fail to execute.

My mum is still all over my place.

She is still tying strings here and there to ensure I will be back.

I don’t want her to know what the hell I am doing anymore.

This is not how you set a person free.

You give them a taste of freedom and demand them giving you back what you deserve.

I’m tired of all these.

I can already predict what would happen when I am back.

I would be the scapegoat.

Like I would seriously be crucified.

So if it ended up like this, I shouldn’t come back then.

Or I should write a letter to my mum saying I am going not to be back anymore.

I really want to cut all the ties.

Im feeling my mum is my mental burden and my father is the world I try to embrace.

I must give up one to have the other.

I don’t want her to track down my whereabouts.

My life is mine and I dont need anybody to control it for me.

Maybe I was all the way too soft and fluctuating, so I was taken advantage of and others make use of my sensitive character to achieve their ends.

I think she does know if I leave meaning she have no idea what I will be doing.

She is insecure that her possession will be lost.

Enough of this.

I need to be firm this time.

After the London trip, I will be able to give up all the things I have now.

Only through destruction could it come creation and salvation.

I must save myself out of this misery.

In the afternoon, I went to attend the leather making class.

 

27/2/2016

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One blink, I was up.

I was down, eating noodles.

One call, I was up again, looking down, she asked me for my red pockets.

One shout, I was again up, listening to grandma shouting that she would uncover all the ugly truth that my mum beholds and countless threats following by.

One blink, I was up again, and down, start eating cookies and noodles.

Numbly.

I read the text from the shopkeeper, wondering once again I’ve given up building a positive impression of myself in the outside world.

Who cares anyhow.

I was ready to run a bit because I had gained lots of weight recently and my body was totally out of shape.

I brought only $40 with me since I wished I could stop buying snacks at the end of each day(which I failed today, again).

Kenji said it’s alright and we hiked the hills and mountains in Wong Nai Chong.

Starting from Central MTR, we took tne bus no.6 to arrive to the Wong Nai Chong Country Park.

There was water cycling facilities there.

$120 two persons for two hours.

Quite reasonable.

Yet, the scope was pretty narrow and what you could see is just a limited view of the forest(and only that facade).

We began walking then.

This time the mountains were interconnected.

Lower height than the Lion Mountain, yet much steeper.

The road we hiked originally was full of very steep stairs.

We sweated a lot when we finally reached the top.

We saw from the peak that there were a lot of other peaks beside, we were surrounded by all of them, like they were hugging us in the middle.

Violet hills(perhaps regional difference) were of complete opposite character from that of Lion Mountain.

Lion Mountain is mysterious, yet its road is smooth because it is actually an educational lane; while in here, flies kept pestering us, there were moths, birds, insects; our voices were so projective that even people coming from another knoll could listen to us excreting(just kidding).

When it was still daylight, I felt that walking rocks was better than walking stairs.

Yet, I changed my mind after it got dark.

What I really loved so much about Violet hills is that we actually did encounter cliffs, yet it did not intimidate me even though we need to walk downhill with a potential danger that we might fall off the cliff if we tripped, because all those grass stood erect encompassing us.

They were like guardians, accompanying hikers to safely move on to their destination.

I called them “lovely grass”.

I met them time to time, and each time I just loved them more.

When the sun was still out, there were birds singing on the tree branches the same melody again and again.

Kenji said it must be a male bird courting.

I asked “so did the female sing too?”, he answered they just listened or sang together.

We chatted so much today, the conversation flew so well.

We talked about jobs on the bus(like about how IT would overtake the whole industry, and how fishing and other primary productions would be obliterated), he was so engaged that he forgot to change the setting in his camera in advance then.

We continued to talk about everything when our feet were soar from walking, he said he had considered all the options in order to live in Hong Kong.

He researched a lot on living on a boat.

Getting a boat license only requires written test and getting a boat costs a few thousand.

Besides, you do not need to add petrolleum constantly and regular maintenance.

The only vexing problem is that the places for placing these self-owned boats are running out in Hk.

He liked silence and nature very much and I thought he would enjoy this lifestyle.

While we were walking, there were lots of “tree guns” on the ground tripping us.

Everytime he mentioned tree guns, I was not afraid of being tripped anymore.

With him, I was completely relaxed because he really bathed himself in nature.

That’s why he disliked going to the gym room since everything there is manmade and limited.

In nature, everything is natural and open, allowing us to cleanse our souls.

Okay, he was so relaxed with the nature and me that he pee into the sewer because there was no toilets inside the woods.

Then it got dark.

I stopped writting and sketching on my notebook and grabbed the torch that we used last time.

So much more exciting indeed.

And my feet got sorer because of the numerous, infinite number of stairs we needed to climb up and down.

It was like doing strenuous course trainer every step.

Unlike last time speeding into the finish line, we stopped a few times here and there.

I was still afraid of the blank darkness behind Kenji though, so I sometimes walked a bit faster to ensure I was still walking in front(how selfish a little brat I was!)

Yet, the night view on Violet Hill was breathtaking, much more mesmerizing than that in Lion Mountain.

Why?

It was so open because its hills were short actually, I mean they did not block the view.

So we could take it all in, despite we kinda had a fear of heights(because there was nothing to hold on to left and right except the stairs you were walking><).

But we had each other and the grasses that protected us all the way.

We took a lot of photos and videos on the way because the night of the city was so vibrant compared to the beautiful silence of nature.

He took pictures of me too, caught the most silliest and natural expression of me.

I had above mentioned about character of the mountain.

Yes, each mountain has its own personality.

And I was so in love with Violet Hills.

They are cute, alive with animals and living things in day(so much energy and life), while at night they are taking care of us silently.

While I almost fell over by the “tree guns” I grabbed on the tree branch and they were so solid and firm and I felt so safe.

In bright daylight, I saw the whole mountain range and its height and nothingness down the cliff and I was intimidated.

When it was night, I felt peace, felt as if the hills reassured me that “we would envelop you, don’t be afraid, we’ll guide you out safe and sound”.

Each sound, each sight, each movement that belongs to the hill tucks at my heartstring.

I love them all.

I felt a sense of belonging here.

But as Kafka said in Kafka on the shore, I am not ready yet, my body and soul are not ready yet to be blended completely with nature.

I was not enough for such beauty and peace.

I was too little and insignificant.

But as I looked above, I saw a star, very small hanging on the sky. Its light was dim, but it seems to tell me that it is happy being where it is.

And me too.

I feel I could sense the expressions of nature.

Maybe it’s the time my sensitivity comes at the right place and time.

I felt so at home.

Even I talked foul when he and I almost tripped and I was slightly afraid that nature would condemn me, it turned out that they were all so forgiving and accepting any humans into their embrace.

How lovely.

How beautiful life is.

I don’t get to feel life in the city because people are not living, they are barely surviving.

But nature breathes in to me and we breathes out vapors.

We are cycles.

Life is journeys combined.

And you find yourself back in those journeys.

I’ve never felt so alive.

It was beyond words could imagine.

Even I was stuck in a moment of silence now.

I want to live on because I want to see more of this purity and beauty.

Just like when I was a child, my father brought me up the mountain and we flew kites.

I felt immense familarity with the woods and mountains and hills and grass, maybe yes I don’t belong to the human society, but nature’s ecosystem.

I felt the pulse and spirit of the mountains.

I am whole.

I know I needed to go down and leave because I was not mentally strong enough to contain all these peace.

Yet I would definitely beback again.

After finishing the hiking route, I want more of it to be honest.

I felt energy running through my spine.

I felt listless when I was at home, but energetic when out.

Finally realized that it is me.

I am like that.

Then we took the same bus back to MTR and dismissed.

In Mong Kok streets, I saw a street performance artist, like Amanda Palmer, wearing all white and white mask, stood unmoved.

With hands dangling in the air.

I took photos of her, I asked her permission first, she posed for me, yet I only had 8% remaining, so the quality was just shit.

Whatever, today was just so fulfilling.

I felt an urge to type all these down.

So I did.

26/2/2016

A typical day-off for CUHK.

I got up early, gulped a cup noodle and continued reading Kafka on the Shore.

Called Gordon before his sleep, he reminded me of what to bring a week in advance(tears of joy).

I would still forget though.

He said hk might be colder since hk is wet and cold, while London is dry cold(is there such a term?)

I think I would borrow his clothes to wear if I happened to bring too few.

Still hadn’t finished reading, I packed my bag and be gone.

On the way to the Consulate General of the United States of America,because it was still regular school day, so I saw a lot of students either inside the campus or outside attending offcampus activities.

I questioned myself: I should be at school too as a student, I should be studying and learning in the classroom.

Why was I out, blew by the wind and wandered around aimlessly, trying to be an artist by holding a notebook and a pencil?

I seriously don’t know whether I’m doing the right thing or not.

Is it too big a risk?

To risk my education to find my happiness back, knowing that happiness is fleeting and you’ll soon end up in the bottom of the cliff again?

I intended to go fetch my new passport at around 12, but I went out early at 11.

Arrived too early apparently and went to the hk botanical park/hk park(oh well actually they are not in the same place) for a stroll.

Liked the atmosphere there though the weather was overcast, caught a group of foreigners running in circles.

They smiled at me.

Drew one or two sketches of the playground and skyscrapers, crap, I would say.

Tracing back the 5th or 6th time of our date, I located the bench where we had once made out at.

Why would I be that attached to such trivialities?

The park was a bit blatant, so I followed the flow and went inside Pacific place(a high end shopping mall selling only brands like Prada and Gucci).

Suddenly felt intrigued by the interior design and intricate products.

Some shops have transparent doors to create more space and exposure for customers.

The whole sensation of grandiose takes over my eyes and soul, even I’ve been here before.

But this time I focus on appreciating the design instead of my own affordability.

So there are actually(and of course) people who work there, I’m thinking maybe I should also get a taste of it as well if I get a chance.

Same retail job, yet different ranking and quality.

I see where the rich and poor gap came about.

Returned to the park and wandered.

Some foreigners really made use of their time to sit on a bench and read ebook, exactly my habit (yolo).

I wondered what if I really found the overseas to be where I would be accepted?

I would be elated then.

But I dare not hope anymore, you dont often get what you want in the end.

Luckily, the guard let me in early and I got it done before 3pm.

I was hesitant whether to go to work because my mood was fluctuating again today.

I was late for around 40mins according to my pledge of 3pm ‘arrival.

Okay whatever, work today was okay at first, but then got invisible in the end and people talking behind my back.

Hush, I don’t care.

I dismissed myself early.